At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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