is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Never joke about your clitoris.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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