we have pet lesbian snakes
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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