I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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