you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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