Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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