I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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