the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
