Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
