The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
