After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
