i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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