can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
