Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
