I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
