I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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