God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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