Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
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The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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