I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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