I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
