Christians are straight up FREAKS
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
