I like to think it a success when the cops are called
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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