I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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