Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
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