oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
