Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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