Someone shit on the floor
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
