Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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