why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
