I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
