No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
