I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
