He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
ttyl tear gas
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
