He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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