i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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