Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
