Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
