My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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