I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
