im gay
i know
yea but for you.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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