Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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