did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
