Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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