In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
