I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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