I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
