That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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