its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I did not marry a roomba.
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