i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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