Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
