I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
