someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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