She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
