Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
