I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
