dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
