When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
