She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
